Feather Warrior
by Amphitrite II
Summary: A slightly...erm, how should I put this? (Strange?) (Odd?) (Humor-ific?) (Pick one) fic written by me. Slight parody of Mary-Sue+Additional Sennen Items. Mild yaoi, yuri, het.


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Feather Warrior  
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Humor by Amphitrite

A/n: Okay, I just _had_ to write this. I needed to add a humor fic to my collection. I'm not offending those authors that write Mary-Sue or additional Sennen Items fics or anything. Actually, I have my own of those stories. (Additional Sennen Items, I mean. Not Mary-Sue. I hate het, remember?) ^^; Anyway, this is only FUN.

Disclaimer: All belongs to Takahashi-sama. Except for Lei. 'Cause that's me.

Warnings: Slight yaoi and yuri-ness. And het. All pairings are really, really light. Just be open-minded. If you're not, leave now. Rated for language. Uh…I think I bashed everyone. _- Goes to show that I love them all. Actually, I don't think it's really bashing. They're just lowered a _lot_ on the scale of intelligence.

Ah, yes. Most parts have absolutely nothing to do with Mary-Sues or Sennen Items and are just…there. For the sake humor.

Mentioned Pairings: Bakura/Yami, Ryou/Yuugi, Mai/Anzu, Seto/Jou (One-sided: Jounouchi), Honda/Miho (One sided: Honda), Malik/Lei (One sided: Lei), Mokuba/Shizuka (One sided: Mokuba)

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Lei walked to the Domino High gates and took a deep breath. She gagged and started choking violently.

"Damnit! Too much preppy jewelry! Too girly! Agh! Can't breathe!" She looked down at herself and made a face. She attempted to walk into the schoolyard, but tripped on her three inch high heels. "Okay, even if I'm acting as a Mary-Sue, there is _no_ way that I'm wearing this stuff!" she screeched.

Malik popped out of nowhere. "But then how am I supposed to fall in love with you?" he asked, confused. Lei snorted.

"Like you care. You're gay."

Malik blinked twice, thinking this over. "…Oh yeah. Go ahead and change, then."

Lei stumbled off, cursing under her breath. Several hours later, she came back dressed in her usual casual clothes. Malik was sprawled on the ground, reading a magazine.

"What the hell took you so long?" he asked without looking up.

"Idiot Insector stole my clothes. Pervert." She replied, crossing her arms.

"Speak for yourself."

"Fine. I'm perverted, he's a…erm…a slut." Lei finished lamely. Malik raised an eyebrow and shook his head. Insector Haga ran out of the bushes.

"Come back, my sweet! I know you really care!" He held his arms open for Lei and launched himself onto her shoulders. 

"Get the hell off of me!" She shrieked and knocked him off. "You're not part of this story! Get out of here!" She kicked him off of the stage and glanced at Malik. "Let's get back to the script."

He just shrugged. 

"Okay, you go in first and make sure the classroom is ready. I'll come in a few seconds later." Lei declared. Malik nodded and ran into the school. Lei got all starry-eyed and started to drool, before slapping herself and reminding herself that Malik was in fact gay. She nodded and slowly walked into the building.

She magically found her way to her new classroom and walked in with the fakest smile in the world. The teacher was saying something to the class.

"-And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, oh, look! Here's our new student! She's beautiful and wonderfully kind and caring and perfect."

Lei frowned to herself. "I'm not any of those things…Oh, well." She muttered to herself. She looked at the teacher. "Konnichiwa Ishtar-sensei…HEY! Ishtar-sensei? ISIS?!?!?" 

The teacher, who was in fact Isis, blinked at her. "…Uh…hi."

"ISIS, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THE TEACHER!" Lei shrieked. Isis tilted her head to the side.

"…And why not?"

"I dunno."

"…Just continue."

"Fine." Lei turned to face the class and raised her voice a pitch higher. "Hi, I'm Lei, I'm beautiful and shit and you're all going to fall in love with me because I'm all beautiful and shit and everyone falls in love with me and I have this plastic Sennen Item made of plastic that's supposed to look like real gold but doesn't because it's actually plastic and it gives me weird powers that I don't even understand even though I'm supposed to because," 

She took a breath. "I'm the owner of this awesome Sennen Item that I don't even know what to do with and is incredibly fake because there's only seven Items in the world, but it's too bad because I have this Sennen Item that's made of plastic gold and gives me weird powers that I don't know about and makes me all attractive and mysterious and a bunch of other stuff. I think."

The entire class blinked at her. Honda raised his hand. "Can you repeat that?"

"Sure! Hi, I'm Lei and I'm all beautiful and shit and you're all going to fall-" Isis shoved a hand over her mouth and pushed the authoress into the seat next to Malik. Lei started drooling at the sight of Malik. She was snapped back to reality when someone slapped her. Malik glared at her, laying his hand back on the desk.

"_I'm_ supposed to fall in love with you, not the other way around!"

"Awwww…" she whined.

From the other side of the room, Jounouchi was whispering to Anzu, whose eyes were glued on Mai.

"Isn't the new girl soooo hot and um, irresistible and um, stuff?" he whispered. Without looking at him, Anzu replied.

"I thought you liked Seto." Jounouchi shrugged.

"I do. But it's called acting." Anzu just rolled her eyes.

In the back of them, Yuugi was talking to his yami. "And then, he was all like, oh my gosh, I don't like you _that_ way! And I was all like, oh my gosh, you're like, sooooo fired! And he was all like, no duh! And I was like, so, hey, you wanna, like, duel? Then he was all like-"

Yuugi stopped. He looked at Yami, whose head was hanging back. He was drooling in his sleep. "Yami?" The pharaoh jumped in surprise.

"Huh?" He looked around groggily. "Kura?" He looked down at his hikari. "Aibou?" Yuugi smiled happily that he had gotten his dark side's attention and continued to drone on.

"So he was like, oh my gosh! There's like, no, like, way that you can like, beat my three, like, Yellow Eyes! And I was like, what? You have like, three eyes? That's like, creepy! And he was like, oh, no, that is just like, creepy and-"

Yami's head hit the table.

Honda -- Miho. That was it. He was staring at Miho, drooling at the sight of Miho, daydreaming about Miho, doodling on his spiral notebook about Miho, blinking at Miho, gaping at Miho, imagining himself sitting next to Miho, smelling Miho, looking at Miho, hearing Miho giggle, touchi—Okay, this is starting to sound very wrong.

Ryou was tapping him on the shoulder, trying to get his attention. No, not that way. He was asking Honda about something on his worksheet about beating people up. Finally, Honda turned to Ryou.

"Hai, Ribbon-chan?" he asked dreamily. Ryou stared at him in disgust.

"Honda-kun, did you just call me 'Ribbon-chan'?"

Honda blinked at him. "…Huh?" Ryou shook his head and walked off toward the direction of Jounouchi. He tapped the blond on the shoulder. Jounouchi turned to look at him.

"Nani? Lei-chan?"

Ryou stared at him in the same manner he had stared at Honda. "…Jounouchi-kun, did you just call me 'Lei-chan'?" Jounouchi blinked at his friend.

"…" Ryou quickly stepped away, suddenly getting a strange feeling of déjà vu. He turned to Yuugi.

Yuugi stopped rambling to his sleeping yami and grinned, then turned to Ryou. "Konnichiwa Ryou-chan!"

Ryou fumed. "…Yuugi-chan! My name is not 'Ryou-ch-'" He stopped. "…Oh. It is. Never mind. Gomen, Yuugi-chan." Yuugi said nothing (a rare moment of silence!), looking confused. He then shrugged and continued talking, now to Ryou. Ryou drew up a chair and actually listened to Yuugi talk.

Anzu stared dreamily at Mai. Mai smiled sweetly at Anzu. Anzu stared dreamily at Mai. Mai shifted in her seat and smiled at Anzu. Anzu smiled back at Mai. Mai started to doze off.

…O_o

Anzu stared at Mai with sparkly eyes.

Bakura and Mariku were not following the script. Instead, they were trying to burn down the 'school'. Uhh…close enough. They were trying to work a lighter, but of course, neither had any idea how. Currently, the two psychotic yamis were standing behind one of the outside walls of the 'school'.

((A/n: For those of you wondering, school is in these '' things because it's not really Domino High. It's a clone of it. Made of paper and glue. Don't even ask.))

Bakura was squeezing the lighter, trying to make the flame come out. Mariku was watching with a raised eyebrow.

"Baka." He scolded. "That won't work." He snatched the lighter from his fellow troublemaker and shook it in his hand. Then he proceeded to yell at it. "Damn lighter no baka! Turn ON! Make flames! If you don't make the flame come out, I'm going to—" The lighter disappeared.

He turned around and glared at Bakura. "Hey! What was that for?"

"It's not going to turn on if you threaten it! It's not freakin' alive!"

"Well, maybe you should use the power of the Ring and put some measly mortal's soul in it then!"

"Why the hell would I waste my energy on that?"

"…I don't know."

The two blinked stupidly at each other for a while. During this time, Bakura's hand was twitching. He clicked something without knowing and then…

POOF! ((A/n: Umm, maybe that's not the right sound.))

The flame appeared!

Freaked out by the sudden appearance of fire, Bakura dropped the lighter and it fell…

And fell…

Fell…

Fell…

And fell onto Mariku's left foot.

"DAMN!" he screamed and kicked it away, then began hopping around screaming bloody murder and clutching…the wrong foot.

However, neither of the two noticed as the lighter's switch got jammed and landed near the school. The flame touched the paper…and the paper started to burn and the fire began to spread…

Inside the classroom, Shizuka began to fan herself with a piece of paper. "Wow, I'm really hot."

Mokuba smiled. "I know." She frowned and fanned harder.

"Why am I so damn hot?"

Mokuba leaned his head in his palms and smiled stupidly at her. "I wish I knew."

"It's so hot in here!"

Mokuba's eyes lit up. "You really think so?" She finally saw him.

"Yeah, I do! Don't you think that it's really hot in here? I mean, look!" She gestured at all the other people, now fanning themselves. "Everyone in here's hot!" She saw a drop sweat trickle down his forehead. "See? You're really hot too, aren't you?"

"…Oh…wow…you think…I'm…" He promptly fainted with happiness. Shizuka frowned.

"Uh…kid? Are you okay? ….kid?"

"Why is it so hot in here, Ishtar-sensei?" whined Dinosaur Ryusaki. Isis shrugged, continuing to dance around the room, singing at the top of her lungs. Ryusaki blinked at her. Then he screamed when a circle of flames appeared around him. Isis stopped dancing and bowed down in front of the fire.

"Ra! This is my sacrifice to you! Onegai! Bring Pixy Stixs back to this mortal world! I beg you!" She said dramatically and looked up to see the duelist with the dinosaur-based deck screaming as the flames got closer. 

They washed over him and he fell over, fried to a crisp. Isis smiled and stood up. "The gods have accepted my sacrifice! Arigatou, Ra!" Then she proceeded in dancing around the room again.

Soon, the entire classroom was full of flames. It was the Domino High barbecue!

…Except that the students weren't doing the cooking. They were the cookees. Heh. That sounds like cookies. Yum…cookies. Uh, sorry. Anyway, the entire classroom had bursted into flame. Everyone was being fried…

Everyone except for Lei! She had the magical Plastic Sennen Item! It looked like…a…water bottle. She raised the Sennen Water Bottle and her body glowed green. Why? I don't know. Then she said the magical words, "I love Malik!" and then the fire was gone. Well, everyone was still burnt, but the fire was gone.

That's all that matters, right?

Right?

Mariku and Bakura ran into the room, Mariku still yelling at Bakura for burning his foot. Lei frowned. Burning…Aha!

"MARIKUUU! BAKURAAA!" she shrieked. The two turned and looked at her. "YOU BURNT DOWN MY SET OF DOMINO HIGH! YOU MUST DIE!!! AAAAH!!" She lunged at them, red in the face.

The two backed away a little and readied themselves for the hit, but it never came. They opened their eyes to see Lei being held back a red-haired girl slightly taller than her who looked slightly blurry at the edges.

"Let me at them! They deserve to rot in Hell!!!" 

"Calm down, Lei. You're going to ruin some of your cast members if you do that." The girl warned.

"I don't care! Let me GO, Kata-chan!" she screamed, trying to break free. The redhead grabbed a folder out of absolutely nowhere and whacked Lei on the head with it.

"Itai!" the authoress shrieked. The other girl sighed.

Mariku and Bakura blinked cluelessly at them. "…?"

"Who the hell are you?" Bakura asked. Lei grinned.

"This is my yami, Katana. Well, in this…mock-story thing she's my yami. She's actually just my alter ego. Because she's not exactly evil or dark and I'm not exactly innocent. Heh. Me, Baka no Lei. Innocent." She burst into laughter and started rolling around on the ground.

The other three stared at her. Mariku glanced at Katana.

"I think this is love at first sight." He said.

She raised an eyebrow and her hand went to the sword at her side. "Uhh…do you really mean that? Because if you do, I'm going to have to chop your head off."

"No, I've just always wanted to say that. Anyway, I think you were my past lover in Ancient Egypt."

"Actually, Mariku," Katana started. "First of all, I'm not from Egypt and have nothing to do with it. Second of all, you're not from Ancient Egypt. You're just a…thing created out of Malik's anger."

Mariku pondered this for a second. "…Oh, yeah. I remember now." Bakura whacked him on the head.

"Baka."

"Hey, who are you calling baka, baka?"

"You're the baka!"

"No, you are!"

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

"You are!"

"You are!"

"URUSEI!" Katana screamed. She rolled her eyes. "Can we get on with the stupid story?"

"No." Lei said, who finally stopped laughing. Katana let out an exasperated sigh and merged back with Lei…or rather, the Sennen Water Bottle. Lei just laughed evilly and held up the Item and yelled the magic words again. A stream of water came out of the top of the bottle and drenched Mariku and Bakura.

They growled, completely wet, and lunged at Lei. The authoress stared at the Sennen Water Bottle, frowning. Then she tossed it behind her and took out her magical silver-and-green quill. She scribbled something out in midair.

*Bakura and Mariku suddenly had the urge to hop around the classroom, screaming at the top of their lungs. So they did.*

Bakura and Mariku suddenly had the urge to hop around the 'classroom', screaming at the top of their lungs. And…so they did. Lei watched amusedly as the shimmery script faded away and she pocket her magical quill.

"Yup. The Quill still works better than any Sennen Item. Just like I thought." She said. Mariku and Bakura stopped hopping and glared at her.

"DOES NOT! MY SENNEN ITEM IS BETTER!" they yelled in unison.

"You're all wrong! My Puzzle is the best of all!" shouted a new voice. All three of them turned to a crisp Yami.

"Let's decide with a Shadow Game, then!" Lei declared. Creepy music came on.

They all blinked at the sound and activated their weapons, Yami glowing red, Bakura glowing blue, Mariku glowing light purple, and Lei glowing green. As the yamis aimed colorful beams at each other, Lei scribbled a bunch of junk about them in midair.

The Shadow Realm faded off and they returned back to the classroom.

All three of the dark halves blinked.

"Hey! What the hell?"

Lei laughed evilly. "My Quill is the most powerful of all!"

Silence.

"No it isn't."

"YES IT IS!"

"Nope."

"I HAVE THE BEST SENNEN ITEM!"

"The Puzzle is the best!"

"My Quill is better! Nyah, nyah!"

"The Ring is the most powerful of all!"

"The Rod will beat all you mortals senseless!"

"MY SENNEN ITEM IS THE MOST POWERFUL-EST OF ALL!"

Bakura, Mariku, Yami, and Lei all turned at the new voice. Jounouchi stood there with his hands in the air, laughing evilly.

"…"

"…"

"…Jounouchi, you don't have a Sennen Item." Yami said reasonably. Jounouchi shrugged.

"That's okay. I still have a yami. And he's the best yami of all!" He grinned stupidly. All the yamis 'anime-vein-popped' and lunged for Jounouchi. There was a glow and soon everyone except for Lei was involved in a fight covered by a cloud of dust. Lei shrugged and cheered for random people.

"Oh my Ra, Lei! You've been abused by your father!" Malik yelled. Lei blinked.

"I have a father? And where the hell did you come from?" she asked confusedly. He shrugged.

"Isn't that my line?" he answered, looking a bit clueless. Lei blinked again and flipped through her script, a huge packet that had appeared out of absolutely nowhere.

"Uh…no. You're supposed to say, 'Lei, I love you so much that I'm going to sacrifice my life for you!' And then Yuugi supposed to come in with a magical disc that will kill whoever touches it. Then he throws it at me. And then you block me from it. And then you die. And then I'm all sad and stuff. And other things happen."

Malik blinked. There seems to be a lot of blinking in this story, ne? "…Oh. Okay, then." He looked around. "Lei, I love you so much that I'm going to sacrifice—"

"I WIN!" shouted a voice that sounded like Jounouchi's…but wasn't. Malik and Lei looked at him. Yami, Bakura, and Mariku were all lying on the floor, apparently unconscious from the fight.

"YAMI JOU!" Lei squealed, running toward Jounouchi's 'yami'. GLOMP. Both were now on the ground. Yami Jounouchi winced as Lei tightened her grip.

"—my life for you!" Malik finished. He waved at Yami Jounouchi. "Nice to see you again."

"…Hi. I don't like you." Yami Jounouchi answered. Malik shrugged.

"Nice to see you again." He repeated.

Silence reigned the room.

"EEEIIIIII!!!!" Yuugi ran into the room holding something that was a flat circle. "Die, Lei!"

She blinked. "Why?"

"I don't know. Because—you stole my Sennen Puzzle!" Yuugi answered.

"I did? I don't remember doing that."

"Oh well. I remember you stealing it! Bye, bye!" He threw the circle thing at her, adding a strange little evil laugh at the end. If you have never seen Yuugi laugh evilly, it's very…strange. And different.

"MALIK! This is where you come in!" Lei shrieked. Suddenly, the circle looked very…sharp. And blade-y. Malik leaped in front of her, grabbing the disc with his right hand. He turned it over.

"Hey, this is my Evanescence CD!" he exclaimed. He narrowed his eyes. "Yuugi…"

Yuugi continued laughing. "It doesn't matter. It's only a matter of time until you die! You touched my magical disc…thingy!"

Malik glanced at the disc uncertainly. "Uh…I haven't died yet."

Five hours later, everyone still stayed in the same positions they were in…five hours ago. "…Yuugi, I still haven't died yet."

Isis bounded into the room, her beige shawl flying behind her. She grinned insanely. "The Pixy Stixs have been brought back!" She took out a jumbo sized one out of kami-knows-where and proceeded to chug the whole thing down.

Isis's reactions to the sugar—the pure, good sugar—were slower than the average person's reactions. But no more than seven seconds later, she was up and bouncing around the classroom (which still had burnt walls).

Lei cringed as her set began to crumple and rip and fall apart. "ISIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!" she screamed. The other simply ignored her and now began to bounce up and down in the same spot. It made the others dizzy just to watch her.

Malik and Yami Jounouchi both fainted. Yuugi glared at Lei. Lei blinked confusedly at Yuugi. They got into attack stance, the room dimming and both of them whipping out plastic swords out of absolutely nowhere. They began inching toward each other, brandishing their weapons with dangerous glints in their eyes.

"No, no! Fighting is no good! No fight!"

Both of them turned to the sugar-high Isis in annoyance. Isis smiled widely, showing off her teeth. "Good…people."

"I no people!" Lei shouted. She cleared her throat. "Erm, I mean, I'm not a person!"

"Yes you are…You _look_ like a people. That means that you _are_ a people!" Isis whined. Lei glared.

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!" 

"NO!"

Yuugi sighed and left the room. Isis and Lei stuck their tongues out at each other. Suddenly, Mariku stirred from his unconsciousness on the floor. He made weird noises and put his arms out straight in front of him.

"I'm a zombie!" he yelled.

Everyone who was conscious (Isis and Lei) blinked in confusion.

"…No, you're not." Isis and Lei said in unison. Mariku frowned momentarily.

"Oh. That's okay. I HAVE THE BEST SENNEN ITEM! WHEE!"

The psychotic yami was soon tackled to the ground by everyone. Everyone except Malik, that is. Meaning Yami, Bakura, Lei, Isis, and Yami Jounouchi (who never had a Sennen Item in the first place).

"The Sennen Tauk is the best! Sugary, sugary goodness, come to me! Fill me up, don't let me rest!"

.End.

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A/n: Wasn't that long? And weird? And long? ^^ I'm proud of it. Don't ask. Anyway, just review, 'kay? It helps. A lot. Then my self-confidence will be raised up a level and I'll think about writing more humor. Thanks!

3…2…1…

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[Amphitrite has logged off.]


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